Unavowed

Teenagers around my age cry because they broke up with his/her girlfriend or they have been dumped or rather because they have been scolded or humiliated in front of their friends etc. 

Crying for me is like a sacred thing to do, I cry for a reason. I’m not a crybaby, no no no. I usually keep my feelings inside me and fight the tears back whenever I can, but when I do let them out I am sincere. I don’t just cry for the sake of crying, that’s a fact that I can’t be an actress someday. 

I remember how I first cried at school in front of my friends, (childish days don’t count) I cried when I was in sophomore year, the first time in years. It was humiliating for me, I never liked it when people come to me just because I’m crying it makes me feel that I am weaker than I seem. After that moment, I begin to loosen up and let my emotions flow. I felt more comfortable sharing my feelings to my friends now, I’m not afraid of crying because it symbolizes that I am a person and I am only human, I have feelings too.

But if you’re talking about my parents, I cry most of the time when I’m hurt in the bathroom. Often my mom tells me that I’m take a lot of time in there which I do not deny, really. Every time I get hurt, I let it all out in there or write on my journal or blog here. Either ways, I want it like that. I am open to my parents, and no doubt they are open to me too.

They are just times I want to be alone and cry my heart out, I’d rather do that. One of my friends told me “It’s better to do something to let your feelings out”. And I do just that by expressing myself here, on notebook and pen or with just myself. I let it out here and there rather than having viscous headaches and die with my emotions still in the air.

I don’t want other people interfering with the way I am, I don’t but if they get offended in some way, they can tell me.

Who am I? Am I the misunderstood or the one who is not understandble? Is this really who I am? If I say I like things and what I don’t like about others, does this determine me who I really am?

How do other people keep secrets? Why can they keep them private for such a long time? How come, I can’t? How come I always feel like I’m in need of something always and like telling or in other terms, “bragging” it to others. Why am I like this?

Why do I always look at others badly when I don’t really know them? How come I don’t like being judged and yet I judge others? How pathetic can I be?! Useless, that’s the term. Pointless, even better.

When I say I’m happy and smile throughout the whole day, does that really make me happy? I have always believed that when you think happily you will live happily, but when it comes to me it’s totally different. I feel like I’m the weirdest person who only knows about her surroundings but not herself.

I thought things like these only happens in movies, and no I am not talking those romantic films. I am referring to what really matters, about life and other people involved in any case. I am indeed sorry for the people whom I may have misjudged or offended.

Now I know what second chances really meant. I have also known how you can be happy once you have let go; not of people whom you love but with feelings… bad feelings.

I have felt like something dropped from my big heart, a weight that is keeping me away from doing good and thinking good. I am now a person, a real happy person.

I could tell you every detail on how I see things or on how I really feel but that wouldn’t make you really know me. Everyone judges based on their observations.

“But all they see is someone who’s not me” — Skylar Grey (singer)

I believe that I am the misunderstood even though people think that they have really known me from the start. They know who I was but they don’t know who the person I am trying to become. I am striving to be better but people around me sees me as somebody else. I know someone out there truly understands me, for I will swallow the fact that I live in this world where only God knows the real “me”.

I am grateful that God has given me parents that could support my daily needs. I am happy that I get to study in a private school. I am blessed to have them. But why do I feel like they’re just people with money? I have never felt that they even care for me. Sometimes I think that child abuse is better than having numb parents.  

All my life I have been longing for companionship, I’m a sucker for love I say. It’s not that I am complaining, I mean I love them wholeheartedly.. But I just don’t feel them..

I admit I am quite jealous of my friends’ parents, they’re all so caring and they’re all real and not pretentious! My mother is only nice when my friends are around, is that what you call real?! I can never really judge, yes but based on my observations I know whose parents are fake and who’re real and most of them are real! I don’t like comparison and probably they don’t too, this is just how I see things.

Sometimes I feel like I’m adopted but my dad explained to me that I am not.. But his words can never satisfy my questions about them.. 

When I become a parent, will I be like them too? Will I treat my child like an ordinary person? Will I treat my nephews and nieces better than my own child? Will I let the child find his/her own talents without my help? Will I? Will I?

I surely hope not… Please.. 

It’s been a long time since I’ve updated this blog, I have been quite busy lately. It’s a new year, and though it didn’t started of that good I can notice some changes in me, I am more responsible now. I see that it’s a good thing, I am doing good. I hope I can keep it up since I really need to catch up! All my hardships will pay off someday for God is with me, always!

So I haven’t really blogged about my dreams on this blog, I’d like you to know just a few things that I really dreamed of besides completing everything on my bucket list.

• I’ve always dreamed of being a figure skater
  All my life I was wishing to be one, but I guess I never had the opportunity. I live in a tropical country and ice rinks are limited and are very far from home. I believe I’m too old to be flexible enough to join any competitions now that I can be somewhat independent, besides I’ll be 15 in 12 days I’m not that skinny to fit in those costumes. Well maybe this dream of mine isn’t fit for me..
  
  
• I’d like to live in Texas, USA
  Dallas / Fort Worth would be perfect. I know it isn’t that grand compared to New York, Las Vegas or Los Angeles, but I’d really dreamed of living in the country side of America. I’d like to live the cowboy style. If all else fails (like getting my VISA denied and I surely hope not) I would like to transfer to Vigan, Philippines or Palawan. I like the city, I love the city especially that it has more opportunities than the provinces but I don’t like living with stress all my life, I want to wake up and smell the breeze of the sea and feel the sun on my skin without worrying if my skin will get too dark.


• Marry Mr. Right
  I don’t believe in all those superstitious beliefs about knowing your true love, but I do like to marry the one whose right for me. Whom I can be with to infinity and beyond.

You see, I have dreams of my own and I do wish for them to pursue, I also dreamed of reading bed time stories to my future kids and be the ideal mom and other things too. Call me ambitious, but can’t a girl dream?

A good friend once asked me “do you ever get mad?”, I didn’t know what to answer but I answered that I do, I do get mad sometimes. And then she asked me how, that moment I felt blank, how do a person get mad? How do I act when I’m mad? How do I know when I’m mad?

I rant about the simplest things, but after a moment it will all turned out okay just like everything else. But today, I felt lost. It may be because of lack of sleep? Did I miss out something in my daily routine?

Once again, I heard hurtful words from people who’re special to me. These words makes me want to shout, cry and kill myself. But I always thought that those things are worthless, I’m not good in showing my emotions and responding to what I’m supposed to do, I was never good at that because I know no one truly understands me.

I have learned my lesson before that whenever I would burst out it would always be at the wrong time. What should I do now? I am tired of keeping it all to myself, my head hurts, I feel so groggy! I feel so worthless!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am mad.

Why are boys in my classroom so disrespectful? I mean, they’re funny and all but things are just not funny all the time. I’m not mad at them or anything, I’m just disappointed on how they act, immaturity strikes in.

Sometimes, I’m afraid of saying the words that you’ve read above, it makes me feel small and judgmental which I’m not and I surely hope not. 

My other girl friends told me that they thought about the same thing about the boys, well nothing that big really but I wish that we would be like a family like we were before, where things weren’t so hard, when I didn’t care about things like this.

But sometimes we have to grow up and continue living.

There’s a boy who has been really close with a simple girl, the girl simply falls in love with him. The girl is confused if it is really love she’s feeling? Or is it because the girl felt special whenever she talks with the boy, and when their eyes meet that girl would never want to be anywhere else.

You got that right, I am the girl. Just to let you know, I fall easily for a guy. The reason could be because I’d never had a boyfriend before? Or I haven’t been with boys that much because my mom forbids me? Neither of the two, I don’t know what else to reason out. I simply felt something alright.

He looked into my eyes and said “I now feel what you feel”, he’s probably talking about something else. But since, I am a sucker for love I would’ve thought that he was talking about “him liking me, me liking him”.

I hate this cycle, this is the time where I would assume for things—sweet things and sayings from a guy I currently fell for. The next would lead to depression knowing that things that I’d have expected would never happen. Then the cycle goes on when I find another guy to fall for.

But can this guy be the one to break the cycle?